oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
