worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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