Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
