You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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