I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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