For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
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I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
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Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.