idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.