Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
