explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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