My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
