my vag is so smooth its legendary
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
