Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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