Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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