who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
