remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
