Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you inspire me to be a worse person
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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