i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
