I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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