when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
