He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
