I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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