I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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