this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
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