Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
