Where did you get a picture of my penis
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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