Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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