Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
