i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
