my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
