Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
