I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
