Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
