She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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