my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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