just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
