There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
