I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
