i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
