toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
