oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
