Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
