i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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