you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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