Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
