how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Be still, my beating vagina.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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