It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
