i don't like sucking hair
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
