They should really pass out barf bags in church
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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