my mouth tastes like poor choices
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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