We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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