community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
