apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
