Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
