You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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