Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
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