you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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