; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
